Postpartum Depression and Me...

After a VERY difficult pregnancy and delivery with Yahav (my youngest) i knew i need to worry about postpartum depression. I was worried that i would not be able to bond with him, love him and/or be able to take care of him (or my twins that were only 1.9 years old).
So for 9 months i pretended that i was ok. I was n...ot sad, i did not cry, but I WAS ANGRY. And when i say angry, i mean angry. I was angry that i had a very difficult pregnancy, i was angry at my body that "betrayed" me, i was angry at the doctors who did not care for my well being, i was angry at my husband, i was angry at my twins, i was ANGRY ALL THE TIME. The only thing that gave me hope was my newborn; i was in love with him.
So wrongly i thought that i was not depressed. I thought that because i was not sad or did not cry all the time, or like you often hear i did not have an issue with bonding with my newborn, I was not depressed.
I remember the day my friend B.T. called me. B.T knew me (well) from Einstein university, where my husband got his MD degree. An orthodox Jewish couple whom introduced me and my husband the religious side of Judaism. After few minutes of speaking to my friend she said this to me: "Shirli, you are not ok, i remember after a very difficult pregnancy with the twins, being in bed since 8.5 weeks of pregnancy, being in a lot of pain, severe preeclampsia, difficult delivery, 6 weeks in Neonatal Intense of Care Unit AND when i told you that you had it difficult, you told me: 'it could have been worse.'"
At that moment while on the phone with my friend i realized, i was suffering from postpartum depression... and I needed help.

Triangular theory of love

When couples come to see me with relational difficulties, i first create my triangle. Yes a triangle. I call it the triangle of marriage or by it's original name: Tiangular Theory of Love by psychologist Robert Sternberg. The way Sternberg evaluated the “amount” of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of the following three components; the “type” of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other.

Intimacy – feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
Commitment – the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other.

the theory is relevant to the development of relationships over time. For example, before meeting another person the three components of love would be absent (nonlove). After meeting, liking may develop (intimacy). Perhaps some degree of commitment develops also, suggesting companionate love. If passion develops as well, then full consummate love has flowered. A sudden burst of passion and commitment may develop from an initial meeting. Fatuous love seems an appropriate name for such instant, committed attraction. Perhaps a full consummate relationship loses its passion and intimacy, but retains strong commitment. The concept of empty love captures this situation well.

So? where do you fit? Where do you need help with? TAKE OUR POLL ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.

Picking the right guy!!

Ok i posted a comment of the Facebook Page Women of Chabad (click the link) and it went this way:
Appreciate who your husband is and don’t try to change him. You KNEW who he was when you married him. Trying to make him into something different is: A. a waste of your time because it will not work and B. just annoying. He was flawless in your eyes when you first met. Is he really not good enough now?

But i know that many Orthodox Jews do not wait and date for years so i will add a little professional thought into the matter.

Must orthodox women do not get to date for 2 years and yes usually in psychology it is recommended that you date for 1.5 years before you get married, it's just a fact that it takes a little while to know your future bashert!

Here is my recommendation; if you are unable to date for a long time (not always possible) look at his family.
1. Look at how his father is treating his mother. Does he help her with the cleaning after shabbat dinner? Does he help with the grandchildren? Is she his queen?
Children learn from their parents and i am sure when you look at how you are or how your husband is, it often mimics what you have seen at your own home. Ok i know some of you will say, NO NOT TRUE but... it is. Off course NOT ALWAYS but often.... See More
2. Does your (possible) future husband loves his family? Loves his mother, respects and looks up to his father (who is a good guy! if the father is not a good guy... not a good thing that your future husband looks up to a not very good man). People who came from a strong family often create a strong family themselves. They learned how to do it from home. If you came from a home who did not do that, MAKE SURE TO LOOK FOR A GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO DO IT, HE WILL TEACH YOU HOW IT GETS DONE). A guy who hates his family has unfinished business (i will write more about it in another post) and unfinished business is always UNFINISHED BUSINESS!!!!