Saying No to Being Intimate with Your Husband

When women who enjoy sexual activity with their husband tell me that they enjoy sex, BUT they are too tired to have it, i always ask them this question:

"what, you do not want to make yourself feel good? who would choose not to have an orgasm?"

How many times you did not feel like being intimate with your husband but ended up getting into it and enjoying it?

well just keep that in mind when you are about to say no, not today i am too tired, or ... i have a headache.

More, Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is a SERIOUS condition that should not be taken lightly. There are few routes to the treatment of Postpartum depression. Here are some information that i believe to be helpful. If you have any questions do not hesitate to contact me: womenofchabad@gmail.com

Self-Care at Home

* Surround yourself with supportive family members and friends, and ask for their help in caring for the baby.
* Take care of yourself. Get as much rest as you can. Nap when the baby naps.
* Try not to spend much time alone.
* Spend some time alone with your husband or partner.
* Take a shower and get dressed every day.
* Get out of the house. Take a walk, see a friend, do something you enjoy. Get someone to take care of the baby if you can; if you can't, take the baby with you.
* Don't expect too much from yourself. Don't worry too much about the housework. Ask friends and family for help.
* Talk to other mothers. You can learn from each other, and their experiences can be reassuring.
* If the depression persists for longer than 2 weeks or is very deep, talk to your health care provider. Self-care alone is NOT recommended.

Medical Treatment

Treatment for postpartum depression depends on the form and how severe it is.
* Your health care provider may refer you for psychological help and individual or group therapy.
* Support groups are helpful.
* Marriage counseling may be part of your treatment plan.
* It's important for friends and family to understand the illness so they can help.
* Medications can be helpful.

For postpartum blues, no specific treatment may be necessary because the condition goes away by itself. If symptoms don't go away within 2 weeks, call your health care provider.

For postpartum depression, the severity of the illness will guide the health care provider in choosing treatment. Milder forms may be treated with psychological therapy. More severe forms may require medication. A combination is sometimes helpful.

Medications

Vitamins: While postpartum depression in the United States is rarely related to nutritional problems, it is probably a good idea to continue to take prenatal vitamins and iron after delivery.

Antidepressants: Drugs such as fluoxetine (Prozac), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), citalopram (Celexa), escitalopram (Lexapro), or venlafaxine (Effexor) may be given for as long as a year (possibly longer). Other medications that might be used include lithium or valproic acid (Depakote).

Hormone therapy: Estrogen, often in combination with an antidepressant, sometimes helps with postpartum depression. Some women also need thyroid treatment.

Generally, psychotherapy and medications are used together. Psychotherapy alone may be effective in MILD cases.

Postpartum Depression and Me...

After a VERY difficult pregnancy and delivery with Yahav (my youngest) i knew i need to worry about postpartum depression. I was worried that i would not be able to bond with him, love him and/or be able to take care of him (or my twins that were only 1.9 years old).
So for 9 months i pretended that i was ok. I was n...ot sad, i did not cry, but I WAS ANGRY. And when i say angry, i mean angry. I was angry that i had a very difficult pregnancy, i was angry at my body that "betrayed" me, i was angry at the doctors who did not care for my well being, i was angry at my husband, i was angry at my twins, i was ANGRY ALL THE TIME. The only thing that gave me hope was my newborn; i was in love with him.
So wrongly i thought that i was not depressed. I thought that because i was not sad or did not cry all the time, or like you often hear i did not have an issue with bonding with my newborn, I was not depressed.
I remember the day my friend B.T. called me. B.T knew me (well) from Einstein university, where my husband got his MD degree. An orthodox Jewish couple whom introduced me and my husband the religious side of Judaism. After few minutes of speaking to my friend she said this to me: "Shirli, you are not ok, i remember after a very difficult pregnancy with the twins, being in bed since 8.5 weeks of pregnancy, being in a lot of pain, severe preeclampsia, difficult delivery, 6 weeks in Neonatal Intense of Care Unit AND when i told you that you had it difficult, you told me: 'it could have been worse.'"
At that moment while on the phone with my friend i realized, i was suffering from postpartum depression... and I needed help.

Triangular theory of love

When couples come to see me with relational difficulties, i first create my triangle. Yes a triangle. I call it the triangle of marriage or by it's original name: Tiangular Theory of Love by psychologist Robert Sternberg. The way Sternberg evaluated the “amount” of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of the following three components; the “type” of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other.

Intimacy – feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
Commitment – the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other.

the theory is relevant to the development of relationships over time. For example, before meeting another person the three components of love would be absent (nonlove). After meeting, liking may develop (intimacy). Perhaps some degree of commitment develops also, suggesting companionate love. If passion develops as well, then full consummate love has flowered. A sudden burst of passion and commitment may develop from an initial meeting. Fatuous love seems an appropriate name for such instant, committed attraction. Perhaps a full consummate relationship loses its passion and intimacy, but retains strong commitment. The concept of empty love captures this situation well.

So? where do you fit? Where do you need help with? TAKE OUR POLL ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.

Picking the right guy!!

Ok i posted a comment of the Facebook Page Women of Chabad (click the link) and it went this way:
Appreciate who your husband is and don’t try to change him. You KNEW who he was when you married him. Trying to make him into something different is: A. a waste of your time because it will not work and B. just annoying. He was flawless in your eyes when you first met. Is he really not good enough now?

But i know that many Orthodox Jews do not wait and date for years so i will add a little professional thought into the matter.

Must orthodox women do not get to date for 2 years and yes usually in psychology it is recommended that you date for 1.5 years before you get married, it's just a fact that it takes a little while to know your future bashert!

Here is my recommendation; if you are unable to date for a long time (not always possible) look at his family.
1. Look at how his father is treating his mother. Does he help her with the cleaning after shabbat dinner? Does he help with the grandchildren? Is she his queen?
Children learn from their parents and i am sure when you look at how you are or how your husband is, it often mimics what you have seen at your own home. Ok i know some of you will say, NO NOT TRUE but... it is. Off course NOT ALWAYS but often.... See More
2. Does your (possible) future husband loves his family? Loves his mother, respects and looks up to his father (who is a good guy! if the father is not a good guy... not a good thing that your future husband looks up to a not very good man). People who came from a strong family often create a strong family themselves. They learned how to do it from home. If you came from a home who did not do that, MAKE SURE TO LOOK FOR A GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO DO IT, HE WILL TEACH YOU HOW IT GETS DONE). A guy who hates his family has unfinished business (i will write more about it in another post) and unfinished business is always UNFINISHED BUSINESS!!!!

Leaving an Abusive Relationship with Children

This entry was written on Oct 07, 2008 by Barbara Gibson

Leaving an abusive relationship is often a process that feels like a journey rather than a short trip. The challenges of leaving can feel even more daunting when you are leaving with children. Use the following tips to create a little comfort along the road to safety.

1. Whether you are going to a safehouse, staying with friends or family, try as best you can to maintain your regular routine. Children should still be expected to go to school (even if that means transferring for safety reasons), do homework and chores, stick to bed time, etc.

2. If it is safe get some familiar things to take with you. Favorite storybooks, toys, CD's, sweatshirts and the like can be a great comfort in strange, new surroundings.

3. Give age appropriate explanations for why you are leaving home. Young children, especially, may ask many times to go home. Let your child know you understand how she feels. Allow him to talk about what he misses.

4. Some children may not talk about their feelings. Help them understand what they are experiencing by using reflective listening - "it sounds like you're saying...," "it sounds like you feel..."

5. Communicate as much as you are comfortable sharing with teachers and other caregivers.

6. Take good care of yourself. When your emotional resources are low it can be tough to be the kind of parent you really to be.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Here is more information that i got from some of my research and i wanted to post it as i see it as i am not an expert in the field. Please if you know somebody in an abusive relationship, write this information down and pass it a alone to her. Make sure it's not on paper as her abuser can find it and... that could be the end.

The process of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and dangerous. Safety is the primary concern. Even if you do not think your partner poses a risk, leaving often triggers an increase in violence. It is best to prepare as much as you can ahead of time.

Ask a friend or family member to keep items you gather to take with you. Make sure the person you choose will not tell your abuser about your plans to leave. Do not take anything that will be noticed as missing.

Things to Stash Away:

• Money
• Contact information for a local domestic violence shelter
• Prescribed medications
• Legal documents for you and your children (e.g. birth certificates, social security cards)
• Photographs or written evidence of the abuse
• Financial records and account numbers
• Personal belongings possessing sentimental value
• Clothing and personal needs

Things to Arrange:

• A plan that safely removes yourself and you children from the home
• Transportation for yourself, children and belongings
• A safe place to stay
• How to manage being gone from home for an extended time
• Referral to a lawyer or legal advocate to obtain a personal protection order, temporary child custody order, etc.